OPEN LETTER TO GWYNETH PALTROW

 

Starve 12 weeks and you can have this body too!


Dear Gwyneth Paltrow:

I think you are really pretty. You are not a bad actress either. I went to see your movie Country Strong, and it made me cry. I read an article where you talked about what a “nightmare” it was for you to gain 20 pounds for that movie, and how panicked you felt to have to give up exercise because the director didn’t want you to have any tone at all to your body. I must admit, you did look pretty thick. I couldn’t see any of your bones jutting out at all. I would even go as far as to say you looked skinny (eek) and not  emaciated, and that just doesn’t cut it in hollywood. Thankfully as soon as filming was over you could get right back to your macrobiotic diet and strict exercise regimen and lose all of that flab. I saw you on the cover of the March issue of Harper’s Bazaar. I didn’t buy the magazine or anything, but I did flip through it in the grocery store and perused your enthralling interview. I just wanted to wish you luck on your 12-week detox. I didn’t realize you were allergic to gluten, dairy and sugar, and that you needed to do seasonal detoxes to cleanse your body of all of those nasty toxins when your system gets too inflammed. Poor you. On the other hand, it’s so great you’re so in tune with your body that you know when your ‘adrenal cortex is too high’ (as you put it) without any type of medical opinion.  Because feeling tired and cranky couldn’t possibly be symptoms of anything other than a ‘high adrenal cortex’. But you should know that if your adrenal gland is really overfunctioning, this could be a serious medical condition called Cushings syndrome. You should get this checked out by a doctor to find out what’s going on, because in some cases overproduction of adrenal hormones can be the result of an adrenal tumor and you don’t want that to go unnoticed. Unfortunately this can’t be healed by meditation or yoga or accupuncture. But regardless, detoxing is probably a great idea anyway. Especially for 12 weeks. I mean, just because there is absolutely no medical evidence of any benefit to detoxing or fasting (except for small studies in epilepsy and cancer in rats), and our liver and kidneys will get rid of essentially all toxins introduced to our systems, you will probably feel SO good after 12 weeks. I mean, it definitely makes sense that you would have MORE energy and feel just so invigorated after starving yourself for that long.  And it sounds so new-age to say “I’m detoxing right now, I’m like totally purifying my body.” Plus you’ll lose a TON of weight. But you can’t fast all the time, so I was really happy to read in your interview that when you’re not detoxing, you eat whatever you want. “Bread and cheese and wine…”  Oh. I thought you were allergic to gluten and dairy. And I think there is sugar in wine. It’s so convenient for you that your allergies come and go!! Wow, it’s so wonderful that you can delight in real food every so often. Of course, from what you describe you eat your children’s leftovers for breakfast and liquids and salads or rice cakes or half an avacado for lunch. You claim to be more of a dinner person. I’m sure you really pack it in with gusto then. I mean, you truly must a food expert, with those cookbooks you have and all that foodie advice you give out on your website. The next time I want food advice I will look to you because you look like a person who has indulged in enough cuisine in her day to know her flank steak from her fois gras. You might weigh 100 pounds, which must sting, since that would make you heftier than Angelina Jolie, that bitch who’s dating your ex. But she’s got nothing on you. She’s a lowly UN ambassador, not a lifestyle guru like you! You’re so lucky you can eat so much and never gain a pound! I guess it’s the hour and a half of exercise you do every day!
But the real reason I’m writing to you is that I’m a little concerned about you. I heard you are promoting/selling a cleanse through your GOOP website for the economical price of $425. From what I understand it is essentially the Clean cleanse developed by Dr. Alejandro Junger, which you have promoted on your site before. You seem to be a huge proponent of cleanses. I read an interview where you said that during a cleanse you “dropped the extra pounds that you gained during a majorly fun and delicious ‘relax and enjoy life phase'”. First of all, I think it’s sad that you can’t relax and enjoy life all the time. Secondly, I wonder if that’s your usual tactic: a phase of overindulging followed by a cleanse which is really just like a phase of restriction and elimination? This sounds a little bit like binging and purging to me, and that is a classic eating disorder symptom. But that’s just my opinion. You say it’s really healthy and good for you, and it must be, because it’s developed by a DOCTOR, so who am I to say? The thing is, I’ve noticed you seem to talk a lot about your elimination processes. I’m worried that it might ruin your sexy image if you keep talking about your poop so much. A little mystery is always good. Between advocating for cleanses, and talking about colonics all the time, I think everyone is suffering from TMI when it comes to your bowel movements. I’m also wondering if you know that your digestive tract is a wonderful organ. Food goes in, and is eliminated all on it’s own. You don’t even need to flush it out at all!!  In fact, a lot of the herbal diuretics and laxatives in cleanses can cause side effects like cramping, bloating, nausea, vomiting, dehydration, renal failure, electrolyte imbalances, and arrhythmias, Some herbals can cause aplastic anemia or liver failure. Colonics can cause these same side effects but because of the fluid inserted into the intestine, it can also cause rectal perforation, back and pelvic abscesses, gas accumulation in the mesenteric veins with air emboli which can cause death, perineal gangrene, colitis and fatal infections. The equipment used is not approved by the FDA and the practitioners are NOT licensed by any certified licensing body. Just looking out for you Gwy. So maybe keep your BM’s in the bathroom.
Well, that’s all for now, Stay hot!
KK
P.S-We all know by now that you’re total besties with Jay-Z and Beyonce. You remind the world in every interview. You don’t need to keep telling everyone. We all know you are trying to gain coolness points back after marrying Chris Martin, the man who is responsible for cursing the world with Coldplay. I know you tell everyone you aren’t photographed together to avoid the press. We know the real reason. We understand.
P.P.S-It’s not too late to change your kid’s names before they get to junior high and their lives are ruined forever. Or home school. You are superwoman. You can do it all.

Starve 12 weeks and you too can have this body!

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