Archive for the ‘cheating’ Category

Money can’t buy everything but it can buy you a wife

August 17, 2012

Most little girls fall asleep to fairy tales in which beautiful princesses are rescued by handsome princes and then live happily ever after in majestic castles. As we grow up to become women, the media and entertainment industry perpetuate this fairy tale through rom-coms, made for TV movies, and E.L. James novels (apparently no one’s reading Jane Austen anymore). I still think Pretty Woman is the most romantic movie ever made. What girl doesn’t want to be rescued from her fire escape by Richard Gere with a rose between his teeth? Parents and teachers can emphasize the importance of education in attaining a good job and achieving financial independence. Role models for today’s young women are often successful career women, such as mothers or perhaps even grandmothers who go to work every day to support their families. Would-be feminists can read The Feminine Mystique ten times over and embody every quality of the modern woman.  Yet even in this day and age society still nourishes traditional gender roles where the man should bear the brunt of the financial responsibility for his family while the woman, even if she ‘chooses’ to work, should still have time to cook, clean and rear children. Perhaps even more surprising? How many women who not only buy into this stereotype, but aspire to it.

Since our mothers got married, the number of women in the workforce has gone up substantially. Not only that, women’s salaries have also increased, mainly due to the fact that more and more women are getting college and university degrees than ever before. In 2009, the Bureau of Labour Statistics reported that 40% of US working wives were out-earning their husbands compared to 25% in the early 1990’s. One would think this a positive step for women in terms of equality as it seems to signify a narrowing of the wage gap between genders, long been a thorn in the side of feminists. However, a study published in January 2011 by London School of Economics professor Dr. Catherine Hakim seems to contradict this, reporting that women actually prefer men to earn more money than them.  “…64% said they aspire to find a husband bringing home more money. None wanted to marry a man who earned less.” So it seems that when it comes to relationships, women actually do revere their traditional position as needing to be provided for. A similar study done by Meghan Casserly of ForbesWoman via the website YourTango.com revealed that 91% of women would marry for love over money, but that 75% of women would still NOT wed someone without a job. And it seems that deviation from the husband-as-breadwinner role is unappealing to men as well as women. A Cornell University study published in August 2010 reported that husbands who earned less than their partners were up to 5 times more likely to cheat. Researchers found that “the secret is for women to earn 25% less than their husbands. As that gap narrows, it becomes more likely the man will be unfaithful.” Men are clearly threatened by the thought of losing their historical role in their relationship dynamic.

It comes as no surprise that many women like men with money. We all know the cliché of the young beautiful woman and the old rich man. The Real Housewives series is one of the more popular reality shows on television. Hugh Hefner still dates twenty year-olds. Anna Nicole Smith is most famous for marrying a billionaire in his 80s. I am just surprised that the distribution of earning within a relationship is an issue for so many people. Why are successful women not celebrating the progress they have made, being happy to be making more money now than ever before? Why does it matter who earns what as long as family is taken care of?

In most of my relationships prior to my current one, I have made more money than my significant other, which has generally never bothered me. As I have blogged about before, I have always and still do believe that a woman should never be dependent on a man, that she should have her own career, friends and interests. Therefore, I have always assumed that I would work, even when married with children. In relationships I have always paid for my fair half (or more) of everything. When I first moved in with my fiancée he was a medical fellow. Our arrangement was that we split rent and basically took turns paying for everything else. When he finished his fellowship and started to work as a full-fledged nephrologist, his financial situation changed quite a bit. As in, he is now making about 6 times more money than me a month. I share this information with you not to flaunt how extraordinarily upper middle-class we are, but to share with you how I came to understand the 64% of women who are seeking husbands who make more money than them. This is because I surprised and disappointed myself by the sense of security I felt at my husband-to-be’s salary revelation and how much I have taken it for granted. I no longer even glance at the cheque at the restaurant when it lands on the table, never mind make any move to pick it up. The same goes for groceries, take-out, trips to the wine store etc. He books all of our flights and hotels for trips, concert tickets and sports events. Oh, and I dropped my laptop last week so he also bought this new MacBook Air I am typing on. These are things I could pay for myself. As a pharmacist I make a good salary. But he makes a much better one and we’re partners, therefore when he offers I don’t decline. Beyond the material things, it’s comforting to know that if we decide to have children, although I have never imagined myself as a stay-at-home-mom, I will have that option. Furthermore, I am currently making a career change and taking some time off, and am able to do so without being concerned about money.

Maybe there’s a little girl inside every woman, holding onto that fairy tale, waiting for her prince. But today’s Prince Charming may not look the same as yesterday’s. Modern relationships are changing, and so are the roles of man and wife. I think it’s time we embrace the idea and make new fairy tales. Perhaps Pretty Woman was ahead of its time:

Lewis (Richard Gere): “So what happens after he climbs up and rescues her?”

Vivian (Julia Roberts): “She rescues him right back.”

THE HANGOVER PART 3 (THE FIANCEES DREADED BACHELOR PARTY)

May 30, 2012
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Source:gordonandthewhale.com

I am getting married in the next few months. For many women, wedding planning is a joyous process in which a lifelong dream is brought to life. It is a series of carefully weighed decisions involving vital elements such as invitation fonts, floral arrangements, table runners and cake icing which culminates into the happiest day of a woman’s life. For me it is a nightmare. I am overwhelmed with choices. Give me a nice white dress, my family and friends and some 90’s hip hop and I call it a wedding. One thing I am looking forward to planning: the bachelorette party. It will be a great chance to get together with girlfriends I don’t see all the time, take a trip, and let loose. The downside? My fiancee will be having a bachelor party the same weekend.

I do not consider myself the jealous girlfriend type. I have had my moments, but I think I am a reasonable person. I don’t freak out when my fiancee glances at half naked girls on the street when he thinks I’m not looking. I know it’s not his fault, he is a heterosexual man. I don’t get angry when he has crushes on actresses or reality personalities on TV, even if I think they’re cliche and ridiculous. (Paris Hilton???) I even put up with his infatuation with Kristen Kreuk, a B-list actress who lives here in Vancouver who he sometimes runs into while out walking our dog Oscar. As a fellow French Bulldog owner and lover, she has at times stopped to pet Oscar, leading my man to believe they are kindred spirits of some sort. But I willingly admit I have some reservations about the bachelor party.

My firsthand experience with bachelor parties is limited to one. In high school a friend was having an outdoor pool party. We were told we could go into the house to use the bathroom on the main floor but that the basement was off limits because his older brother was hosting a bachelor party for a friend. We saw the “entertainment” arrive. There were 2 women, both about 30, both blonde, both with names ending in ‘i’. (I don’t know that for sure, but I would wager on it). At one point I needed to use tha washroom, and seeing as how the one on the main floor was occupied, I decided there was no choice but to venture downstairs. As I walked down the steps I observed a naked man (the groom perhaps?) lying on the ground, a naked woman atop him using a feather boa to stroke his chest, while the other men stood and watched while R&B played in the background. I quickly made my exit but not before my opinion of bachelor parties were forever tarnished.

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Source:iamstaggered.com

Most men I know don’t have private bachelor parties, opting instead for nights out on the town or weekend trips. Most of these excursions will however inevitably involve a visit to the strip club. That’s alright with me, I have no objection to these dwellings. I have visited a few myself, although you won’t find me at any for my bachelorette party. There is nothing more disturbing than a man in a leopard thong that can shake it better than you can. But I do understand that strippers are part of the tradition that is the male bachelor party. But when does an innocent trip to the strip club violate the trust between a man and a woman? I encountered this scenario a few months ago when my fiancee visited Las Vegas for another bachelor party. In addition to just watching the show, the men had opted to pay for private dances in private rooms. I was livid. Through the roof livid. Now, a lap dance is one thing. In the club. In front of everyone else. I am not keen on the idea of another woman with fake breasts and a fake tan and long, flowing hair extensions, covered in coconut scented lotion gyrating on my partner, but at least I know there is a no touch policy. The private dance is another ballgame. First of all, they are expensive. Hundreds of dollars expensive. The fact that he thought this woman was worth this much money made me squirm. Also, in the ‘private room’, the no touch policy goes out the window, so my boyfriend was essentially paying to touch another woman’s breasts. This led to a fight of epic proportions where I argued this was cheating (with a prostitute), and he argued that it was just innocent bachelor party fun. So who’s right?

First of all, how common are these dalliances, and who is making them? David Boyer, author of Bachelor Party Confidential: A Real-Life Peek Behind a Closed Door Tradition, says “One thing I learned is that the groom is a little bit less likely than his friends to do something; and I think the married men are more likely to do something. This came up over and over when I was talking to strippers and talking to married men. It’s his friends that [are more likely to] get an extra-curricular activity, whatever that may be—a blow job, a hand job or further—because all eyes aren’t on the friends and for a lot of guys it is a chance to let their hair down.” He estimates 1 in 10 men will get some sort of extra-curricular activity. Other statistics show that up to 1/4 of men will engage in some type of sexual activity at their bachelor party. But what this activity can be is not clearly defined. What do the men think is cheating? 94% say having sex with another woman is cheating. 82% think kissing another woman is cheating. 64% think touching another woman intimately is cheating. 8% say getting a lap dance is cheating. 19% of men say they have seen a groom cheating on his fiancee at a bachelor party. As for us women, 83% of us don’t consider lap dances to be cheating.

So it seems my fiancee and his friends were not alone in their belief that this behavior was acceptable. However, I was not wrong to find it disrespectful and hurtful. In the end he apologized and we discussed boundaries for future excursions. For his upcoming bachelor party I will make sure we review the rules. I know he loves me and had no intention of hurting me. He treats me well and with respect every day. He is sensitive, sweet, kind and loving. He works long hours as a physician yet still cooks and cleans and makes me a priority. He is not a chauvinist and I do  not mean to make him come across that way. If your intentions are not malicious it isn’t hard to assume no one will be hurt by your actions but sometimes you have to put the shoe on the other foot. For any men reading this, I have some tips:
1)All my friends were doing it wasn’t a good excuse when you were a kid, and it isn’t one now
2)When your girlfriend is enraged about you getting a private dance from a naked stripper, the excuse “she wasn’t naked, in Las Vegas the law dictates all strippers must leave their panties on” won’t help your case. A thong is not considered a piece of clothing. Also, you don’t want to interrupt a ranting woman.
3)Touching another woman’s breasts is never acceptable. If your girlfriend let another man touch her breasts, would it be okay? What if he paid her $200? Now say it’s okay.
4)What if she kept her underwear on?
5)What if all her friends were doing it?